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holla

Posted on: September 18, 2010 10:31 pm
 

I know many of you have read this before but if you print this out and read it like you are "Frank" I promise that you will laugh hard and often; these days, this is not a bad thing to do once in a while! Enjoy and comment...lets get this blog started!

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, an Iowan who                                       
     was visiting Texas:                                                                                       
                                                                                                               
     Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous                                           
     celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no                                         
     one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at                                     
     the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's                                       
     table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was                                       
     assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili                                           
     wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have                                       
     free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.                                                             
                                                                                                               
     Here are the scorecards from the event.....                                                               
     Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili                                                           
     JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.                                                   
     JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.                                                         
     FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove                                         
     dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the                                     
     flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.                                           
                                                                                                               
     Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili                                                                     
     JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.                                             
     JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken                                           
     seriously.                                                                                               
     FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am                                         
     supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who                                         
     wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie                                       
     in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.                                                       
                                                                                                               
     Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili                                                         
     JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.                                       
     JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.                                       
     FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels                                         
     like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.                                       
     Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part                                     
     of my chest. I'm getting shit faced.                                                                     
                                                                                                               
     Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic                                                                           
     JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.                                         
     JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish                                       
     or other mild foods, not much of a chili.                                                                 
     FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to                                     
     taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh                                         
     refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this                                       
     nuclear waste I'm eating.                                                                                 
                                                                                                               
     Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover                                                                     
     JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,                                           
     adding considerable kick. Very impressive.                                                               
     JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must                                         
     admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.                                                       
     FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I                                         
     farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant                                       
     seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain                                         
     damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly                                     
     on it from a pitcher. It really chokes me that the other judges                                           
     asked me to stop screaming. Forget those rednecks!                                                       
                                                                                                               
     Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety                                                                 
     JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of                                       
     spice and peppers.                                                                                       
     JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and                                           
     garlic. Superb.                                                                                           
     FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,                                         
     sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except                                         
     that slut Sally. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!                                                 
                                                                                                               
     Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili                                                             
     JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned                                             
     peppers.                                                                                                 
     JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of                                     
     chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried                                         
     about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is                                     
     cursing uncontrollably.                                                                                   
     FRANK: You could put a freaking grenade in my mouth, pull the                                             
     freakng pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight                                       
     in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.                                       
     My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my                                             
     freaking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn                                     
     shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've                                     
     decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. To hell it, I'm not                                         
     getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in                                           
     through the freaking 4 inch hole in my stomach.                                                           
                                                                                                               
     Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili                                                                     
     JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for                                         
     all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.                                             
     JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild                                       
     nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3                                       
     passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not                                         
     sure if he's going to make it. Poor Iowan.

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